by Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
I got an email from a mom who was worried about a problem that's common among parents of young children. Here's what she wrote:
"My almost five-year-old son is starting to lie. I’m worried that this is starting a terrible pattern, and I don’t know how to handle the situation. I’m just really upset because I’ve always stressed how important it is to tell the truth."
Here are my suggestions for dealing with the subject of lying and young children.
Keep Perspective
First, take a deep breath. At this stage, there isn’t anything to be overly worried about. You know the old joke about how to tell when a politician is lying (his or her lips are moving)? Well, that's not the case with young children, but most do tell fibs at this age. It's perfectly normal.
See it as Good News
In fact, lying is developmentally normal—a promising sign that your child’s conscience and moral code are intact and budding. Ask yourself why your child is lying in a particular instance. More often than not, it’s because he’s already done something he knows isn’t right. So, his lie—intended to cover up his misdeed or evade your disapproval—begins with a moral intuition. I’m not saying that you should praise him for lying, of course; but recognize it for what it is—and try to build on that.
Fibbing Is Not Destiny
Right now, you may think that you’ve spawned the biggest little liar on the planet. You can hardly look at her anymore without envisioning her in prison garb. But this is a normal and common developmental phase, not her future destiny. Development dictates that children go through this stage, but it's a temporary state, not a permanent trait.
Be Willing to Press the Re-Set button
One of the best suggestions in terms of your response at this age is to avoid accusations, providing your child an out to save face. In other words, a child might lie defensively if she feels "put on the spot." So when she starts to lie, gently stop her and say, “Let’s take a pause. It’s really important to me that you tell the truth. I'm going to give you a minute to think about what happened again to make sure you have all the details right. That way you can tell me the truth so we can keep trusting each other.” If she persists, tell her you really want to listen, but perhaps it’s best to wait to tell the story when she’s feeling ready to tell the truth. Make sure you come back to it to give her the chance. Then, really affirm the courage, explaining that when she tells you the truth she makes your trust stronger.
Use Stories to Make Your Point
In discussing truth and lies with my three-year-old, I’ve found that The Boy Who Cried Wolf has been very effective with him. Of course, no story makes a bigger impression on your child than your own: tell him about a time you lied as a child and what happened. Be sure to talk about what you remember about that feeling inside when you know you haven’t been honest. Also, playing out some imaginary scenarios with your child may help draw out the fallout of dishonesty: what would happen if I told you I would take you to dinner tonight but then didn't? How would you feel about that? Would you still be able to trust me the next time I promised?
Talk About Trust
When I know my sons are lying, I don’t say, “I don’t believe you.” Instead, I say, “It’s really important that you tell me what really happened, so I can believe you when you tell me things.” Once my boys got to be about six, I was able to use an analogy about a glass full of my trust in their words. When they lie, some of the trust evaporates. With the glass emptier, it’s harder to trust. But when they tell me the truth—especially when it’s hard to—the glass fills up and I can trust them more. And as they’ve gotten into later childhood and early adolescence, we’re now talking about the relationship between trust and freedom. With less trust, there is less freedom, and with more trust, there is more.
Use Your Powers of Granting Immunity
One time when my son, Luke, was four or five, I suspected he was trying to lie. When I asked him to step back, think about it, and tell it again, he said, “I don’t want to tell you.” I told him that was honest and I appreciated it. We talked about how he was feeling and what his worry was in telling the truth--“It’s hard and scary sometimes to tell about something that you think will make someone else upset. I understand that.”—and then I granted him full immunity in telling the truth: “It’s very important to me that you tell me the truth. Whatever you tell me, I won’t be mad at you. We’ll just talk about it.” He told me the truth. And when I gushed about how great it was that he told the truth, even though it was hard, he felt proud (which reinforced honesty).
Focus on What Matters
Usually, when my kids lie, I make a very little deal about the actual behavior they’re trying to cover up, while making a bigger deal about lying. (This has changed some, by the way, as my oldest has grown towards adolescence.) I want you to tell me anything, I will say to them, honesty is so important. Often, just talking about that is enough of a lesson. Speaking the truth is just an expected part of the family code, reinforced frequently: “In our family, we tell the truth.”